Will somebody please take the time to read this, it's my first draft at my English exam, I'm only in year ten so I still have a whole two years to improve on my creative writing. Here is y first draft:
Like a battlefield during a momentary ceasefire, the rust ridden, fog kissed park stood silently, the morning dew conjuring the worst imaginable winter scene, cascading around every last hint of pure, oxygenated air.
They had all gone, forgotten, for now…
With deadly conviction, a tyrant of wind conquered all in it's wake, eradicating the gray, dull sparks of life which remained. Like a hurricane, it abolished everything that's seemed to represent a park, the relaxed swing set: gone. The traditional, joy filled slide: gone. Last of all, the joyous smiles of the people: gone. A cyclone of ungrateful ku forgotten food packaging was the very tip of the iceberg, it was official, all hope was lost.
Opposite, stood what seemed to be an entirely different world: Ecstatic children fueled their adrenaline with the new, innovated equipment; dogs wresteld in perfect harmony amongst the moisturised, vibrant, iridescent, ladscape of wildlife; and the young yet enthusiastic amateurs learnt from the professional's.
The perfect picture, could almost direct ones attention from what lay parallel.
Boom! Like a bat out of hell, they came in their hundreds, the rejected ones. Like a horde of ghosts in an abondoned town, the cold-hearted adolescent teenagers flooded the park without hesitation; everything within the immediate vicinity was crushed by the devastation. They were Vulcan bombers, the park: a crazed battle field.
The unforgiving air was as cold as a witches kiss, piercing every available, lingering nook and crannie. The kids a dictator, the park, a mere manipulated tool.
Any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated, I'm aiming for an A* at GCSE level, I could improve by atleast one grade given time.
См. статью: What level would you say this English essay is? Any feedback is greatly appreciated?