I'm extremely depressed. What do I do?

My name is Gabe, im 21 and as stated in the question, im extremely depressed but dont know what to do.

So I aspire to be a professional MMA fighter and have since I was 9. Im extremely passionate about MMA but me and my fiance share a car so she has to take me to work and back so we agreed to save for a car to make things easier, but its not happening. Plus I havent wrestled in 2 years, because of the car situation. But I agreed to do that once i have my own car too. The only things I love to do other than martial arts and wrestle is chess and self educate myself on things like physics, calculus etc. But when ive asked to go to barnes & nobles which is literally only 10 mins from our apartment she says "no youll be ok. Theres no point in reading books" but everytime i always tell her i have an insatiable need to learn or i get depressed which is whats happening now.

I just havent told her because the last time i did we argued because she says i think everything is about me and im always getting depressed. So im keeping this all bottled in. Especially since if it was all about me i wouldnt have agreed to put my dream career on hold.

i feel extremely stuck. Its so bad to where whenever we have beers or any kind of alcohol i intentionally drink until im beyond drunk to momentarily erase my depression.

can someone please help me? Im in desperate need of help

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